Secrets
by Imadonnafan
Summary: Harvey wants to know what's wrong with Donna, she's not sure he can handle it.
1. Chapter 1

She smiled to herself with pride as she hit the button for the elevator on the 50th floor. No one would be able to tell the intensity of the nausea that had been building inside her since this afternoon; she couldn't bring herself to eat lunch at all. Well maybe one person could have she thought wistfully, but she pushed that thought aside swiftly not wanting the feelings of sadness surrounding her best friend's departure to add to the swelling storm in her stomach. As she hits the button to take her down and the door closes on the otherwise empty box she clutches her Hermes bag tightly into herself. Again she tries not to think but she knows when she chose this particular bag this morning that she was going to want the feeling of safety and comfort it represented. It was one of her older purchases (not that she purchased this one herself) and rather than making her think of the reasons he took her out to buy it, it always represents security to her. It's not because _he_ bought it she tells herself it's just a bag designed to make her feel better, so it does. As she walks through the lobby and out into the fresh New York air she wishes good evening to the security guards on duty and hails a taxicab. Having memorised the address earlier she reels it off with a confidence she's not feeling. As they pull away into the busy New York evening traffic, she can't help but feel like she's skipping school leaving work at this hour. She knows it's ridiculous, but leaving the office at 6:30 on a Thursday evening makes her feel guilty. It was the latest appointment she could get and she was lucky to get one at all this week and if she didn't go now she might never summon the courage again until it's too late.

He couldn't and certainly wouldn't deny he was feeling pretty pleased with himself. He'd finally settled a dispute for one of his newest clients against a company represented by what was left of Rand Kaldor and not only would that please Robert but it also sent a message to the world that they were the best law firm in the city once more. She was right; of course she was right he smiled to himself, this was what he needed, this is who he is. He finished signing the final papers that needed sending off to the client and telling his secretary she could head off early, he strode down the corridor with a spring in his step.

On arriving at a darkened office he did a double take and checked his watch. 6:50, this didn't fit into his plan at all, he checked under her desk to see if her bag was still there thinking it possible that perhaps despite the darkness she hadn't left the building, but he found only an empty space. Pulling out his phone he tapped to unlock it and immediately hit the favourites button. There were six names on the list, his Mom being the most recent addition, each of them having been put there by the person whose name stood clearly at the top, there had been a 7th that he'd added himself but that was gone now. Standing in her office doorway he hit her name and waited.

With early evening New York traffic, the journey had taken the anticipated 20 minutes to arrive. She'd filled in the paperwork and was nervously waiting in the clinic reception, still clutching at the bag when it started to vibrate. Knocking her out of her trance she pulled out the phone and swore inwardly at the name on the screen. If she didn't answer he'd just keep calling so moving to a secluded corner of the room she slid to accept the call.

"Harvey"

"Where are you?" Demanded the man on the other end of the line

"I have a meeting, what's wrong?" She wasn't really in the mood for his demands right now but the guilt she already felt at leaving work 'early' washed over her again.

"At this time of night, what client wants to meet now? You didn't mention you would be out earlier. I just came to your office because "

"It's not a client, it's more of an appointment" she cut him off.

"Donna Paulsen to consulting room 3" blared across the tannoy.

*shit*

"Where are you?"

"It's personal Harvey, listen I have to go to go maybe Gretchen can help, I'll call you back later ok" and she hung up.


	2. Chapter 2

There were logically any number of reasons why a person might need to go to a doctor and he had spent the last 45 minutes coming up with most of them. What he couldn't reconcile with any of the 'not scaring the living shit out of him' list was her cagey reaction to his question and it made him feel uneasy, anxious, isolated. Harvey Specter doesn't do scared, he needs to know.

He had returned to his office only long enough to down a shot of McCallan he'd been intending to drink with her and call Ray, the fourth person on the list. Ray had dropped him outside Donna's apartment over half an hour ago where he'd used the entry code to go through the main door and was now sitting with his back against her door to stop himself from pacing a hole in the floor. 'It's personal' she'd said. He wasn't comfortable with that, they were friends, she was….he just didn't like it. Of course he figured he'd look pretty stupid when he arrived home and told him she'd gone for an annual checkup or to the optometrist or something but he could still share his news from earlier and they'd have a drink and everything would be 'normal' again. He was proud of himself for finally working this through and decided he would go to the liquor store across the street, so he wasn't arriving empty handed.

Her mind was buzzing. The nausea had passed after running through her options with the doctor, but it has been replaced quickly with an emptiness, a desperate yet never vocalised need to share this with someone. She had choices to make and her heart ached that she had to make them alone. God she missed Rachel. She didn't even know if she'd talk this through with her, not yet anyway but the fact was, that even if she wanted to, her friend was hundreds of miles away and this wasn't really an easy thing to bring up. This was not a night she wanted to go home to an empty apartment, but it certainly wasn't a night she was going to be sober. She thought about going to a bar, but her head was too full, she wasn't ready to make small talk with strangers or even acquaintances, she needed to go home and think. Walking into the liquor store across the street she decided tonight was a night for wine.

"Hey Vince how's the bubba"

"Bella Donna!" the merchant greeted her affectionately "she's too cheeky, keeps her Mama up all hours"

"Like her Papa then" Donna winked

Vincenzo winked back at his customer "yeah see this little one means there's no time for Papa" he shook his head and held gestured wildly as only a man of Italian descent can.

"But you wouldn't change it for the world huh?"

"No Bella, she's my Angel, when she smiles at me, I know I kill for her"

She felt herself starting to well up and decided to refocus on what she came in for.

"So, what can you recommend for me tonight?"

"I got this nice Californian in this week if you likea the red. You know I'm normally pushing the Italians but this one is good so I save for my Bella"

"Thanks Vince" she passed him over the cash flashing him a smile "You always take care of me"

"Of course my Bella, Vinne always save you the best. You share this with someone special no?"

"That would be telling" she winked and waved away the change as she headed out the door.

As she opened the door which jingled to indicate someone was entering or leaving the facade she had been trying to hold up began to falter and she let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. A lump had formed in her throat and now she knew she'd had the right idea coming home instead of being around people, she didn't have it together. She wished good evening to a neighbour and checked her mailbox. Stuffing the letters into her bag alongside the paperwork she'd received from the clinic and pulling out her keys she walked up the flight of stairs that took her to her floor. Looking down to pick out her front door key from the bunch she didn't notice that someone else was coming round the corner from the 2nd floor. Just as she was about to walk into them a pair of hands reached out to stop her.

"Hey, careful"

"Oh I'm sorry I wasn't loo…Harvey?"

"Hey, I was just.." He indicated behind him "and I thought I'd go get as a bottle of something while I waited"

She smirked and held out the paper bag containing her recent purchase.

"What are you doing here Harvey?" She sighed

"Donna!" Surely it was obvious why he was there.

"Harvey?" She shot back, not giving him an in.

"Donna, I, is it so hard to believe I just want to…" he trailed off. This wasn't how this was supposed to go.

"To what?" she snapped back exasperated. She did not have the energy for his needy shit tonight.

"Look Harvey I'm tired, it's been a long day."

She moved down the corridor to her front door and after unlocking it, turned to see that he had followed her instead of taking the hint. She gestured for him to come in, rolling her eyes at his shrug, he did not think she should be surprised at his reaction. She placed her keys on the side and walked through to the kitchen to put her bag on the counter top. "Sorry I couldn't talk earlier, I was going to ring you back later I just needed some time. What did you come to see me about earlier?"

She was giving him a distraction, giving them both an out from an awkward conversation that she knew neither really wanted. Deep down she wanted him to press her, to be there, to listen, to hold her. She checked herself she pushed it back down where it belonged. This wasn't good for either of them and would just lead to more disappointment for her. He couldn't handle any of this, especially has she didn't even know what she was going to do, he needed to be re-directed.

He decided would take the bait, for the moment. With his characteristic exuberance he filled her in on his day "…so it's signed and sealed, I called Robert and then I wanted to come and see you."

"So that I could tell you I was right?"

He grinned at her 'the kind of shit only Harvey Specter can do' her words rang in his head.

"No, so you could celebrate me being awesome but if you're just going to be smug about it?"

"Of course I am"

"Could you at least pour me a drink to take the edge off?" She was being playful with him, this was a good sign. His worries started to fade away.

"Harvey, listen" she really didn't want to talk business tonight.

Or not-it was back again. That feeling that he'd had since their phone call earlier in the pit of his stomach. Something was off with her and he needed to know she was ok.

"No Donna, where were you tonight? You weren't with a client and I can't remember the last time you left the office before 7."

"Harvey" she tried again in a softer tone, her face trying to reassure him, her eyes not really meeting his.

"You had an appointment." He stated rather than asked. She nodded in confirmation.

"Harvey it's personal" she pleaded with him

"Look Donna, aside from the fact I thought we were friends so you should be able to tell me anything, I'm not trying to…" he gestured awkwardly and she couldn't suppress the amusement on her face at his inability to use words "…I just need to know you're ok". She could hear the concern in his voice and for only the second time in the 13 years she'd known him she heard his voice break a little. Oh Harvey. What would she do with this man? The guilt hit her again and then anger that she couldn't just get five minutes to herself and then finally looking at his face properly for the first time that evening her heart swelled with more emotion than she knew how to contain. She tried valiantly.

"Harvey I'm not sick" she reassured him. "I'm sorry you were worried"

"Don't lie to me" he pushed

"Harvey" she warned. The look in her eyes making it clear she was doing nothing of the sort.

"ok" he offered quietly

"ok" she affirmed. There was quiet for a moment, both of them processing.

"ok?" He said again, more to himself but aloud. "you're not sick but are you ok?"

She'd just made it clear to him she wasn't a liar, but this was a whole other area. Since when did he pick up on subtleties of language-outside of a court room? Realising he wasn't going to let it go without an answer she stalled and decided to pour them both a drink.

She pulled a corkscrew from a drawer and handed it to him with the bottle she'd just bought.

"So, I'm supposed to drink this with someone special?"

He quirked his eyebrow at her.

"Vince-he said this was a special bottle and I needed to share it with someone, join me?"

He acquiesced despite her avoidance of the question as at least it meant she was accepting of his presence. 'Someone special' could she know the significance of those words. She was Donna but only his Mom and Paula knew that. His Mom didn't know it was Donna and he couldn't see Paula sharing that but it was a bit of a coincidence otherwise.

He poured them both a glass and handed hers to her.

"To…..?" she toasted, raising her glass to his.

"family" he simply stated

She nodded head in thought and though she touched his glass with hers, she didn't smile at his toast or seem to feel what it meant by it. Indicating towards the sitting room she walked by him to the settee.

"Harvey listen" As she spoke her stomach rumbled loudly and she finally smiled properly at his cocky smirk.

"..you and I, we've just gotten back to normal and I'm so glad we're in a good place, I don't want anything to get in the way of that. I don't want to lie to you so no I'm not completely 'ok' right now, I have a lot on my mind and I need time to process that, but I will be ok and it's not going to affect my work. I'm sorry I left early today and I wasn't there when you needed me but things will be back to normal tomorrow ok I just need some time to think"

"Are you fucking kidding me" he exclaimed at her "you think I give a shit about the firm? That's what you think of me?"

"Harvey, come on, I'm not saying you don't care but you need me to be me and I'm just saying I will be, that I'm not going anywhere"

He was hurt by her words and he wanted to shout back at her but he didn't have the words. How could she think that all that mattered to him was that she came to work and was there for him. Didn't she know that he? That he- what? He didn't need Dr Lipschitz to tell him that clearly, she didn't. But she should. Just because he hadn't said it-doesn't mean…dammit she'd supposed to just know.

He needed to take out his frustration somehow and paced the room for a moment before pausing at the door frame between the seating and dining areas. He took time to pull himself together and she allowed him the space, more than she was getting she thought to herself, and sipped her wine. It was as good as Vince had suggested but the tension in the air wasn't allowing it to have the impact she needed. After a few minutes he came back to the settee and sat closer to her. This wasn't the time for him to be 'him' this wasn't work where they could fight it out then make up later. If he continued to be an asshole now she wasn't going to let him in and this wasn't something he could lawyer his way out of later, well maybe he could she understood him but he would try harder.

"Donna I don't care about the firm, I know you're a much better friend to me than I am to you, but I am really trying and I would do anything for you I really would."

Woah. Where was this coming from. She expected him to continue his tirade but he'd totally changed tac "Harvey I know, it's ok it'll be ok" she wasn't prepared for this reaction so her reflex kicked in and she needed to make things ok for him.

"Donna no, I don't need you to reassure me I just want you to be ok. You matter to me"

She tried to swipe away the lone tear that spilled over the edge but it made a slow trail down her face that made his heart hurt in his chest. Every time he saw her cry it was the same but every other time he'd outwardly ignored it and stayed strong, stayed distant. This time he would at least acknowledge that he saw her pain.

"You told me you've been there for me every single day since we met and that's true. I'm only going to say this once, I want to be there for you now like I should have been before and I will understand if you don't need or want that, but I just need you to know that I am, ok?"

She waited and waited, at some point she knew she was going to wake up from this dream where Harvey recognised her. Not 'Donna' not the person who made things better for him, for the firm, her the person, his friend, his….? He had just acknowledged her pain, her needs and not even just as his employee. Was it just that she was already so emotionally sensitive? Had she not, deep, deep, deep down wished so hard that he would stay and be there for her. It was far too good to be true, so much what she needed that she had to push him away before it hurt her again. But he said it himself, he was trying so hard and this Harvey was the one that she'd always known was there but who was too scared to open up. She wasn't about to shut him down when he was trying to be there for her. She didn't know exactly what it meant for them but she was proud of him and didn't have the fight in her to reject him.

She hadn't reacted in a while and though he wanted to let her decide what happened next he felt maybe he'd pushed it too far.

"Should I go?"

This snapped her out of her internal monologue and she reached out and pulled him towards her, wrapping her arms around him and laying her head in the crook of his neck. Without hesitation he reciprocated and held her tightly. For a short which only the sounds of their breathing filled the room.

"Just to be sure, that's a no right?"

She laughed and the damn of emotions broke in a way that Donna seldom allowed to happen and never with others. She shed tears and wasn't ashamed of showing emotion but she never allowed her walls to go down far enough that someone could really see her vulnerability, Louis sometimes could see her in ways others didn't but she still kept a distance when it came to her needs. With him it was different, when he was open with her she could not shut him out and right now she didn't want to.

"Thank you" she whispered and he just held her tighter discovering that it wasn't as difficult as he always imagined it would be. In fact, it felt incredibly natural, she fit into him like no one else ever had. 'Someone very special to me' 'if she's the one you'll know' 'because Donna is?' He tried to clear his mind and just focus on her. This wasn't about them it was about her and he was a grown fucking man he needed to put her first for the first time in his life.

She eventually pulled back and reached for a tissue.

"So I'm gonna order some take-out, why don't you go and get changed and then if you wanted to tell me what's going on you can."

Her heart literally skipped a beat and after briefly shaking her head in disbelief she nodded. She winced slightly as she went to get up and apparently Mr Attentive wasn't missing anything tonight.

"Seriously Donna" he asked with concern "you're sure there's nothing wrong?"

"I'm just a bit sore, it's nothing, I'll be back in a minute ok."


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Sorry for the delay I kept changing my mind where I was going after chapter 3. Thanks for all the encouragement and help with the random formatting problems, I've never done this before.**

Chapter 3

She was a little tender from her earlier examination and decided she needed to pay a trip to the bathroom before she got changed. This whole day was so surreal and it wasn't over yet. To be honest she didn't know if she could eat but in the mood he was in there was no point in arguing. Wincing slightly as she reached behind to lower the zipper of her dress she rubbed her abdomen. All women are used to internal exams but it doesn't make them any less uncomfortable or degrading. The flat plane of her stomach drew her attention as she pondered the possibilities. Did Harvey really want to hear what she was thinking and face the consequences of what that night mean for them both. The specialist had asked her if she was considering anyone she knew as a potential father for her hypothetical child. How could she not think of him? There was so much uncertainty that she had told the doctor she was considering all possibilities at the moment but to ask him that; he could never want that; to father a child and not be a part of it's life. Not that she would want him not to be but he had so many parental issues. Would he even want a child even if he was in a loving and committed relationship, never mind with a woman he wasn't in love with. And there they were again, the tears silently spilling over like totally without her control. Why did he make her so goddam weak when in every other way she was so incredibly strong and confident? Why did she ever start this line of thinking? She shimmied out of her fitted Navy dress, it was new, she wanted to feel good today, and let it fall to the floor. She stepped out of it and went to the adjoining bathroom to freshen up. She'd bled a little so changed her underwear and cleaned herself up. Pulling on leggings and a sweater she was about to bend down and pick up her dress when he knocked on her door lightly.

She called out for him to come in and seeing her bending down to grab the dress from the floor he walked up to her and said "let me". His voice was soft and full of concern. Was it wrong for her to revel in this? She wouldn't want him like this all the time today, here in her home, it didn't feel wrong.

"Thanks Harvey, I could get used to this" she jested, or was that hinted?

"You're not the one who should be saying thank you-it's the least I can do after all you've done for me. So food will be here in 20 mins, do you want to just watch tv for a bit or..?"

"I could use the distraction, but could we watch the next generation for a change? I want to listen to Patrick Stewart's voice". He was being considerate but she knew that watching tv meant star trek-it's just how it is, she wasn't ready for the conversation yet.

"fine, but not seasons 1 or 2"

"fine." It felt like a tiny victory getting him to expand his horizons from the original series.

Fifteen minutes in to Yesterday's Enterprise the food arrived and since he was sweet enough to order from the 'shitty' Thai place she made the effort to eat and was glad she had. By the end of the 44 minutes she felt better and despite everything on her mind, more content than she had in a long time.

"This was really nice Harvey"

"It was. Donna I don't want to push you but can you tell me where you were today?"

She inhaled deeply pondering his question.

"It's not that I don't want to tell you Harvey, but I am scared of telling you, and not just because of your reaction but also because I don't even know how I feel about things. I also want you to be sure you really want to hear this because I did mean what I said earlier, this is really personal and I don't want you to wish I'd kept this to myself."

"Donna I know it's time I grew up and if I can't face up to some hard truths to be what you need me to be then, shit Donna what does that say about me. I want you to be happy whatever that means for you but if it means I'm gonna lose you then just tell me now and maybe we can talk about it instead of me doing something stupid and ruining everything; if you need mo….something, I want…., Donna if you tell me maybe I can fix it?" He was rambling slightly, so close to asking her if she wanted more and yet still scared of what that word might mean. Despite his best efforts he really wasn't good at this and had little to no experience in conversations of this nature.

She knew she should probably have stopped him earlier but this man in front of her, so open and so vulnerable, she couldn't help it. His talking this way made her feel warm and safe, yep she was going to revel in it.

"Harvey, slow down and listen." He looked contrite but still scared "I'm not going anywhere you need to get that out of your head. When I left…" how would she address that? Now wasn't the time and she didn't want to reopen that wound.

"Look, When I went to work for Louis I was hurt by how you reacted to what happened between us and I needed to try and move on with my life, but we all know how that worked out for me" she scoffed. "I don't know if this is connected to then but I guess it is in a some way but it's not about us, it's about me and my life, what I want or might want?" To give him credit he was really listening and not interrupting her at all but he was clearly unsure where she was going with this although the look of relief that spread across his face when she said she wasn't leaving him was deeply touching and made her heart tighten in her chest. She could hardly blame him for being uncertain, she was talking in circles and he didn't know the context but this was hard for her too, it was huge. She had been entirely content to figure this out alone and though one option might have been to speak to him at some point she didn't think for a second it would be tonight, before she knew for sure what she wanted for herself. "So I think it might be easier for me to show you where I went today but I want you to promise me that you understand that I have not processed this and if I talk to you about this then it's me trying to find my way through it not telling you what I've decided ok."

"One man cannot summon the future. But one man can change the present." She looked up at him completely bemused by his words. "I am and shall always be your friend?" he tried again.

"Spock!"

"Spock!" He cocked his head as if she should clearly understand that he communicated far better through someone else's words.

"Ok Harvey" she got up and walked around the outside of the couch into the kitchenette and when she returned moments later she had her bag in one hand and the rest of the bottle of wine in the other. "This is either going to be a really long or a really short conversation and either way I'm going to need this" she held up the bottle to him and he nodded for her to top up his glass as well.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"This, whole thing actually goes back a really long way, before you joined the DA's office but I'll explain that part later." Spending time just being some sort of normal, even for a little while had managed to calm her somewhat and if she was ever going to talk about this, now was going to be it. She opened up the flap of her bag and pulled out the mail and the envelope from the clinic. Sifting through it she found the envelope that contained the information on IVF treatment and swallowing passed it over to him. He took the envelope in his hands but she didn't release it straightaway, looking into his eyes, pleading for him not to over-react. He nodded, breathing in deeply himself "Donna it's ok". Her eyes were again full to the brim with the unshed tears of uncertainty as she relaxed her grip and allowed him to share in this secret.

He didn't know what he was expecting but despite her reassurances earlier he still had doubts that she was completely well, given that she'd seen a doctor today and had been in pain, albeit barely noticeably, earlier that evening. So seeing the Yin and Yang symbol on the front of the laminated folder inside, next to the words 'New York Fertility Institution', was something of a relief. This was big but she wasn't sick, she'd said she wasn't leaving but a baby that would mean she might leave, I mean she'd have to leave to have it and what if she changed her mind. What about the father? He stopped himself from continuing that train of thought. He needed to slow down his very desperate need to over think and analyse everything in 60 seconds and just be there for her. This was her life, not…he couldn't finish that sentence, not even in his head. What if she was already?

"Ok. Donna it's still ok. Are you?" he forced himself to look directly at her so that she could see his genuine interest and concern. It wasn't easy but he was trying to stay focused on what she needed and not demand answers to all the questions whirling in his mind. He was quite proud of himself for this but appreciated the inappropriateness of sharing that at this moment.

"No this was just the first, just a consultation" she wasn't sure if there would be a second yet. He was relieved. Not, he realised surprisingly, that she wasn't pregnant but just that this hadn't all happened without him knowing anything or being part of anything. Ok where did that come from? He needed to refocus that brain again.

"So maybe you could tell me what you're thinking? You said you weren't sure about things…" She nodded wordlessly for a while before responding.

"I think I'll go back to the beginning." She hadn't planned on it at this point but to have it really make sense she thought maybe it was the best option. "When I got my job at the DA's office it was such a pay jump from waitressing as you can imagine, and not only could I pay my rent but I had money. But after what happened with Dad, us losing the house, I was going to be sensible with money. I was going to make sure I didn't waste money, saved up and could afford a family before I had one. But I was also going to be a famous actress, I wanted my career, a house, everything. I worked a lot of overtime, had parts in plays on the side and instead of spending it on the clothes and bags I really wanted like my coworkers I saved and saved.

My Mom has a sister, I don't know if you know that? She was fifteen years older than Mom and she ran her own design business. She was my idol, you can imagine? She was immaculately dressed, the most wonderful dresses and shoes, bags I lusted after. I developed a taste for the finer things in life quite early on but when I could finally afford it, ironically I held back. I know you wouldn't think it now". His raised eyebrows and slight tilt of the head acknowledged this was a little out of character for the Donna he knew. And true she didn't dress as she does now when he first met her, but her salary then compared to her salary now was incomparable.

"Anyway…She didn't marry till I was in my late teens and by that time she was over 40. They tried for years to have a baby and after four miscarriages she fell into this depression. I was sheltered from a lot of it at the time, but I knew that my Auntie Fi was not the person I knew anymore, and she never really recovered from that. But I also remember vividly my grandmother saying 'she left it too late', 'forty is too late' 'if you have children late there's more chance something will be wrong with them'. Her face was full of changing emotions, her gaze far away as she recalled the memories. The sparkle in her eyes fading as she spoke, allowing him this snippet into her childhood.

I wanted the successful career Auntie Fi had achieved but I didn't want to give up my chance of having a healthy child either. I didn't even know for sure if I wanted children. After watching Dad lose everything, I suppose in my heart I did, I just didn't know if I wanted that level of responsibility, to be honest I still don't. But I wanted the choice. So once I'd saved up enough money I decided to have some of my eggs frozen and life went on. I can't tell you I haven't thought about having a family before, with Mark, but I hadn't achieved what I wanted, I wasn't in the place I thought I needed to be to have a child but I know I'm at the point now where if I don't think about it, the decision will be taken from me and I want it to be my choice.

Rachel and Mike, Louis and Shelia, they are moving on with their lives and so once things had settled down with the merger I decided I needed to think about what I wanted and I wanted to see what my options were so I made the appointment on the spur of the moment on Monday. I called in a few favours to get an appointment this week and when a cancellation came up I took it, I'm sorry I made you worry I really didn't meant to."

"There's so much about your life, your family that I don't know. So much about **you** that I don't know" He had a lot to take in, she's thrown out the fact she had her eggs frozen like it was just something everyone does but it spoke to how important this was to her and how deeply what had happened to her aunt had affected her.

"Harvey you know me as well as anyone"

"But compared to what you know about me…do for me"

"I'm Donna-it's what I do"

"I know but that's not what I'm trying to get at."

"I know what you're trying to say, I have Rachel and besides I have my shit together it's not something I need, this is a unique situation and I was perfectly content to deal with it on my own…not that, I mean not that I don't' appreciate this Harvey because I really do."

The line between playful banter and hurting his feelings was becoming a bit thin. They hadn't touched since their hug before dinner and she wasn't sure where they were at with that side of things but she reached across to squeeze his hand and he reciprocated filling her with reassurance. He was still there. "The funny thing is I have three siblings, both my parents and so many people I'd count as friends but when it comes to what's going on in my life I just don't really feel the need to share it, Rachel is probably the only one who ever calls me on it, well and maybe Louis?" She grinned.

"Turns out not only am I a shitty son and brother, I'm a way more shitty friend"

"That is not what I'm saying and you know it"

"Doesn't make it any less true, I'm sorry Donna"

"Harvey I don't need you to be someone you're not, I picked you and I could have walked away any time I liked, I chose not to because what we have matters to me, even when you are a dick"

"like now? Me making it all about me when I'm supposed to be supporting you?"

She just smiled. This wasn't anywhere near as hard as she had feared although they'd not really talked about the future and she wasn't sure if he wanted to hear any more. They sat sipping their wine in silence for a while. Harvey processing what he had learned and Donna thinking about her Auntie Fi. At times now, it was hard to remember the woman she had been before tragedy hit her life. Her marriage hadn't survived the depression that she never really recovered from. The vibrant, carefree life she'd seemed to lead when she was a little girl. Had she really give up everything for the career and success she attained or did she focus on her career to distract herself from the areas of her life she couldn't make work. She lay her head back on the settee and close her eyes, just for a second, it really had been such an emotional day and she felt drained. The comparisons with her own life all too real.

The next time he turned to look at her, he was about to speak when he realised her breathing had relaxed and softened. Her eye lids were twitching and her mouth was slightly open. He watched her for a moment, afraid to move and wake her. Her hand still rested in his and he took the opportunity to stroke his thumb across her soft skin. Her hand twitched and tightened in his gently pulling it towards her. He never got the chance to look at her this way, she was always 'Donna', in control, even the few times she'd been emotional and let her guard down there was still a distance between them, he'd kept it that way for fear of what might happen if he allowed her in or pushed past her own defences. But now he could just look at her like this. She was stunning, the vibrancy of her hair glowed in the light emanating from the long forgotten television, her cheeks flushed from the alcohol, her lips, soft and moist, somehow her lipstick never seemed to fade away completely. He noticed then the hustle and bustle or the new york night life. He was well aware the city never slept but you didn't hear much on the triple glazed penthouse floor. Harvey continued to stare at her lips, his mind inevitably taking him back those few short months when he had felt them on his own. And how much he had felt.

The other time, it was lust more than anything. Not that he didn't care for her, he did and it was phenomenal, but their relationship was in its infancy back then. When she had kissed him back in her office, of course he was aroused, but it was his heart that had really reacted. When she walked away he knew in his heart that it was over with Paula, that everything had changed. His head took a lot longer to wise up but he knew then, he didn't have that feeling with Paula. Scottie was probably the only one who came close but he always felt like she wanted change him, Donna never asked him to change. She helped him grow but she accepted him as he was, it had taken him too long to understand that and by then she'd realised she didn't feel that way about him. So as much as, in that moment, he wanted to reach over and kiss her beautiful lips he held back. Instead he reached over and stroked her cheek with the back of his fingers. She didn't stir so he dared to brush his thumb across her mouth, first the plump bottom lip and then across the top. He shouldn't have done that, his body reacted to the feel of her and he realised he needed to pull back. After taking a moment to quell the tingling in his body he decided he had no other real choice than to wake her so he could go home. After the evening they'd spent together he couldn't hardly just up and leave and she needed to get to bed. They could talk more tomorrow. Tomorrow was Friday and there would be more time.

"Donna" he whispered. No reaction. "Donna" he tried slightly louder. He didn't want to startle her. She twitched seemingly irritated by the noise but showed no signs of waking. In fact she shuffled closer towards him making quiet, and to Harvey, highly endearing noises as she slept. Harvey moved up next to her and gently stroked her hair, his thumb brushing her temple. "Don, you need to wake up"

"hmm?" She began to murmur to he tried again more firmly.

"Hey, Donna" in firm whisper "sleepyhead, wake up"

Donna startled awake to find someone-Harvey-leaning across her. There was a sudden movement but she couldn't quite process what it was but she felt a sudden absence.

"Harvey? What?"

"You made it clear my company is electrifying" he grinned down at her, a little too close to be really comfortable but not wanting to pull away.

"Shit, sorry, I'm more tired than I thought."

"You need me to put you to bed?" He offered, only half joking.

"I'm good" she yawned "sorry" she was more tired than she realised.

Still he stood and reached out his hand to help her up.

"So, you should take the morning off. I'll clear things with Robert" she started to protest but he quieted her with a look that made it clear he meant it placing his hands firmly on her upper arms.

"I'll be in by 10."

"Fine. Donna, thank you for tonight"

"I think you have that backwards?"

"Well I know I don't and tomorrow, maybe we could go for dinner then talk about where you want to go from here?"

She placed her hands mirroring his and looked around him to his left and then his right. "Who are you and what have you done with Harvey Specter?"

"Is that a yes?" She pulled her arms back as if to pull away and instead wrapped them around his torso, reveling in the feel of his warm, strong body against hers. He instinctively closed his arms tightly around her and this time he tentatively stroked her back with one hand as the other pulled her into him. Shorter without her heels, he rested his head against hers where it lay in the crook of his neck and in this moment, the past, the future momentarily forgotten he felt at peace. Minutes passed, neither seeming remotely interested in breaking the spell till she stumbled slightly and realising she was in very real danger of falling asleep on her feet he decided against her protestations to take her into the bedroom. Leading her to the bed she sat down and took his hands in hers. "I'm gonna use the bathroom, you ok to see yourself out?"

"Yep, can I get you anything else?" He offered.

"I'm good, thanks Harvey"

Learning over he tenderly kissed her forehead "Night Donna, I'll see you tomorrow" He turned on the lamp at the side of her bed, switched off the light by the door and heard her voice faintly. "G'night H'vy".


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

" _Harvey where's Donna", Louis demanded. She's not at her desk, Gretchen's not here and I need her to tell me what to do. "I don't know Louis, I'm not her keeper". "Well she's not been here all day, she's not picking up her phone and my life is in crisis"._

" _Louis I have work to do and maybe Donna knows they've run out of mud or whatever weird shit is going on with you and she's found some place she can hide so she can do her actual job" "Harvey!" "Enough Louis, I don't know where she is". Louis sulked away and Harvey checked his phone. Nothing from Donna. He dialled her number, no response. He checked her office line despite the fact Louis had said she wasn't there, nothing. Louis may have been being ridiculous but he didn't like this either, he paced around the building, IT, the bullpen, the file room, she wasn't there. He decided to head to Robert's office in case he knew where she was but as he passed her glass wall there she was sitting at her desk like she'd been there all day and she was pregnant, very, very pregnant. "Donna?" He gestured? "Hey Harvey, what do you need?" "Donna?! What's going on-how can you be?" "I told you Harvey, this is what I want" "But Donna, how already? *who* was what he really wanted to say" She shrugged. Shrugged at him. What the fuck, he needed to get out of there but he couldn't stop looking at her, she looked so beautiful, how, who, how could she dismiss his questions, his concerns after last night, this didn't make sense. "Donna this doesn't make sense" This doesn't make sense. He was jarred out of his thoughts by a noise and turned to look into the hallway, the fire alarm was sounding everyone was moving. "Donna we need to leave" he turned to find her gone. *what the hell* "Donna?" "Donna where are you?" He walked out of her office and into her apartment. In the middle of the living area where the couch used to be was a guy building a crib. "Who are you?" He barked angrily at the man "What is that noise?" He walked towards it, through the dining area into the kitchen. The smoke alarm was going off in her kitchen but there was nothing cooking, no smoke. He stood on a chair to reach the device to stop the noise, need to stop the noise._ Harvey turned over in bed realising the blaring alarm was coming from his bedside. *shit* relief poured through him that it wasn't real but he still felt a sense of panic. The sight of her pregnant, woah. The thought of her pregnant, scary but scary because he didn't know what was going on, how she was suddenly heavily pregnant when he only learned she'd been thinking about it last night. Twisted brain. The thought of her carrying a child, a stranger's child? What if it wasn't a stranger what if she was in a relationship and he wasn't part of their lives. Harvey groaned and dragged himself to the shower, he needed cold water to shake him out of this. He scrubbed his body hard, trying to work out the demons in his mind by taking it out on his body. He put on the coffee and checked his phone for anything significant. After flicking quickly through his calendar for the day he picked out one of his favourite dark suits, a tie that she'd picked out for him when they'd been shopping for bags for her after that man came into their lives.

His first meeting was a deposition at Skatten. When he arrived at the offices at 10am he was pleased to see she wasn't yet at work. It turned out Robert wasn't in the office that morning so he had no need to follow up on his email explaining Donna's absence. He finished up his work from the morning and was about to head down to the bagel guy for lunch when Donna breezed into his office all poise and confidence and very 'not' pregnant.

"Donna" he acknowledge in his trademark tone.

"Harvey. Robert's not going to be back till Monday and I've decided I want to re-evaluate our secretarial contracts so I just wanted to check that's ok with you? In the short term there might be some costs but in the long term I just don't think these agencies are the way to go."

"Fine by me, you'll need to show the figures to Robert but if anyone knows the value of a great secretary it's him and I'm in no position to disagree with your strategy".

"Great, thanks Harvey, I feel like it's one area that gets overlooked and I don't think people appreciate the value of a great secretary."

She was full of confidence and Donnaness, all traces of last night seemingly a distant memory. He marvelled not for the first time at her ability to do what she does and even more so with the personal baggage she had going on.

"Well not everyone gets to be as lucky as I was"

"There was no luck in our meeting Harvey, trust me"

"Well if anyone knows what this firm needs it's you."

"I'm glad you realise" She beamed back at him, a little flustered at the direct compliment and turning on her heel she strutted back down towards her office while he watched the sway of her hips.

It was after 7 when he decided he'd had enough for the day. Since lunch time Harvey had only seen Donna fleetingly and it wasn't at appropriate moments to check if she was still up for dinner. Shutting down his computer he grabbed his jacket and walked the short distance down the hall. He found her across from Louis with the lawyer gesturing frantically at some crisis he was clearly in the middle of. He had a strong sense of deja vu, his dream was clearly not entirely removed from reality. Ignoring the really strong temptation to pull faces and make her laugh through the glass Harvey walked in to the office and quickly deduced that whatever this was, it had something to do with Esther and he was immediately uncomfortable.

"Louis, I know you know this" he heard Donna say "but you're not in a position to help Sheila with this and Esther is and whatever you think of Esther can you honestly sit there and tell me she isn't am amazing mother"

"No Donna I can't"

"And can you honestly tell me you know what it's like to be a Jewish mother?"

Harvey was desperate to jump in but she shot him the sharpest look to silence the words on the tip of his tongue so instead he turned to pour himself a drink.

"Or would you rather she get her advice from your mother?"

"Fine they can talk to each other but no lunches or shopping trips without me"

"ok Louis, maybe you might need to talk this through with Shelia now"

"ok thank you Donna, Harvey." Thanking Donna and acknowledging Harvey Louis slinked away in a not too dissimilar way that Harvey had seen in his dream. He shuddered at the memory a movement that wasn't lost on Donna.

"What?"

"Nothing just a…memory" he wasn't going to admit to dreaming about Louis for anyone.

"I didn't tell you to take the morning off so you could stay here late"

"Harvey it's hardly late and I'll have you know I've been incredibly productive today, I just have a bit more to catch up on from yesterday"

"It can wait."

"How would you know what can wait and what can't?"

"I'm pretty sure it can wait because if it couldn't you wouldn't have taken time this morning and besides, I was hoping we still had plans"

Displaying an unexpected acquiescence to his request to stop work, she pressed a few buttons on her tablet and folder it up.

"I wasn't sure if I dreamt that. Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. You need a minute?"

"No actually I'm good, where are you taking me?"

When Ray pulled up and wished them goodnight out the front his block she was a little confused but she went along with it. He might need to pick something up. But after lighting the fire, pouring her a drink and leaving her to disappear into is bedroom she was even more so. "I thought I was getting five star dining" she called out, but Harvey didn't respond. She walked over to his record player and chose one of her favourite recordings.

She didn't hear him come out behind her and when she turned back to the couch was taken aback to see him in dark jeans, a sweater and an apron. She grabbed her phone and flicking on the camera snapped the picture much to his chagrin.

"I'm not missing the opportunity to record this moment. Are you seriously cooking dinner?"

"You've seen me in an apron before"

"Well yeah but that was when you were rescuing me from a splitting sauce disaster, I didn't know you actually cook meals."

"Well prepare for the Specter Special, I'll have you know I'm really awesome with a potato peeler"

She was pretty sure she'd already had the Specter special but it turns out he was in fact a great cook. She sat back watching in joy and amusement as he sliced, diced and prepared what really was an amazing meal.

"If I'd know you could cook like this for the last thirteen years I could have saved you a fortune in restaurant bills"

"My Grandparents ran a restaurant in Boston, Marcus and I used to stay with them on vacation and help out so we learned a lot about cooking well. I can make a mean Martini too."

"How old were you?"

"Not old enough to know it wasn't legal" he smirked.

"Maybe you can throw a cocktail party for Louis and Sheila's engagement?!" She offered excitedly, her eyes gleaming with mischief.

"Since when were they engaged?" He asked, a little hurt his friend hadn't told him they were engaged again.

"They're not" she reassured him "but it's only a matter or time, there's no way Louis is having child without proposing and it would mean so much to him if you did that for him"

"Don't even think about suggesting it" he glared. "Time to change the subject" he stated.

"You're quite full of surprises tonight. I wasn't sure if you'd still want to talk about things"

"Donna I told you, I'm not backing out, I want to be part of this"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Her eyes widened in shock-"you wha..?" She breathed out, not quite able to get out the words.

"I mean, I don't mean…well I mean I want to be-I'm trying to say - whatever you need." His last words were half-hearted, he knew they were wrong even as they left his mouth. "Shit this seemed a lot easier last night"

Her heart had leapt into her throat at his words. For a few fleeting seconds he was saying something she'd not even dared to allow her mind to genuinely dream of. Of course she'd wondered, he was the closest man in her life and well he was him and they were them. But every time the idea has crept into her consciousness she's had to try and box it away. And now of course, like every other time he's made her feel something, just like always he snatched it away, and it had been such a rush that she fell hard. Experience luckily had of course taught her well and she swallowed it down managing to just catch his final words despite the pain sitting in the pit of her stomach.

"I think we might both need something stronger to drink" she suggested and he was only too pleased at the opportunity to move away and regroup.

He poured them both a generous measure of McCallan and she joined him on the leather seats by the fireside.

"Do you maybe want to talk through what's going through your head? I know I'm not Rachel but do care despite how I might come across"

She'd understood clearly from his earlier slip up that any suggestion of his involvement was off the table so she didn't need to work out whether or not to go there with him but it he was practical, if she laid it all out on the table to someone else maybe she would be able to look at the options more dispassionately. She could certain rely on him to leave out the emotion.

"So first I don't know if I even want kids. I like my life, my work and I don't know how a child would fit into that. I never thought I would be a single parent and I know they do an amazing job but it's never how I saw my life. I don't know if having a child would be a selfish thing to do, if I use a donor the child will never know it's dad and I don't know how I feel about that. My relationship to my father is so important to me and I don't need to say to you what it means. Am I right to deny that to a child? If I did decide to go through with it I'd then have to decide whether to use the eggs that were taken years ago or to harvest new ones. I'd have to pick someone and that just seems strange. I mean I'm generally a great judge of character but I thought that about Stephen and well what if my child's father was like that, you just can't tell on paper and it doesn't feel right to me. I'm scared that if I don't do this now, I'll never have a child but I don't know if I want one for the right reasons."

She was pleased she'd managed to sound reasonably detached about it. 24 hours ago there was a rawness to her emotions, today she was more in control of the facts and back in the familiar cycle of hope and disappointment. That sounded a bit pathetic but she could deal with that, she understood it and it had been her choice to follow this path so she accepted and embraced it.

"You wanna know what I think?" He didn't wait for a reply

"I think if someone knows they want a kid, really knows, and they're prepared for the difficult times that will come when the child inevitably wants to know about his dad, there's no doubt in my mind you'd be an awesome parent and your child would want for nothing but I wouldn't underestimate how difficult it will be for both you and a child. If you don't have another choice and it's what you really want-people make it work all the time and no child would be more lucky. But is that your only choice?"

She had hoped he wouldn't go there, but, he was a lawyer and it was his skills of looking at things entirely objectively that she wanted.

"What other choice do I have?" That was cowardly and she knew it but she was in control right now, having to voice thoughts which were so raw was likely to shake the calm persona she was proudly displaying.

"I've known cases where two single people who want kids but aren't a couple sometimes enter into arrangements where they have a child together but contracts are carefully and specifically drawn up to suit both parties. It's obviously not my specialism but I Crane, Simmonds, Delaney all have experience in that area, I could talk to them if you want"

She really hadn't thought of that option, but she didn't want anyone else to know her business.

"I mean obviously without brining you into it" he added as if reading her mind.

"But in those cases, the parties involved already knew each other and they had platonic relationships"

"You're hardly short of friends Donna" he pointed out. Why he was doing this, he didn't know. Why was he suggesting that she find some guy to give her a child, he would hate the man on sight.

"No" she answered quietly "But not friends I trust with this, not friends I'd want this commitment with"

He didn't even think he wanted children, he couldn't look after himself never mind another person so he had no reason to feel disappointed over the loss of something he didn't want but the fact she wouldn't even consider him hurt. But she'd made her feelings clear and that was that. His heart sank again acknowledging her words. "ok' he sighed.

He seemed disappointed by her rejection of his idea. "I appreciate the thought Harvey and it's a good solution but I just don't have anyone who would be willing to do that that I would want a child with. Like I said I don't even know if it's what I want." That was the truth; there really was only one person she trusted enough in her life and he'd almost literally run a mile at any hint of personal involvement. She took a long mouthful from the glass enjoying the burn in her throat as a distraction to the ache she was trying to temper in her chest.

The record she'd chosen earlier had long since ended and Harvey took the opportunity to move away and pick another. A blanket of silence engulfed them for a while as they listened to the smooth melodies of the Saxophone swirling around the room.

"Harvey? Can I ask you something?"

"Sure Donna"

"Do you, I mean did you ever think about it? Having a family, with Paula? I mean I know you would never have been ready before and I know having a child was never one of your goals" she smirked as he took a sip from his glass, his eyes acknowledging the truth in her words. "But the truth is, you have changed, and there's a part of you that has always wanted the security that kind of relationship can bring so I just wondered."

"No, I never considered that with her."

She assumed by his silence he was done but after a moment he surprised her again.

"But that doesn't mean that I haven't thought about it, I mean, that I don't…think about it"

Her eyes reflected her intrigue and with a tiny tilt of the head she encouraged him to continue.

"You're right, I was always too scared to ever think about bringing a child into this world and now with Katie and Marcus…"

"I know. I was really proud of you you know. How you dealt with all of that"

"But if they can't make it work Donna, I know I never could but yeah I think about it sometimes"

"I think you're wrong you know"

"Tell me something I don't know" he fired back across at her. But she refused to take the bait continuing. "You're the most honourable man I've ever known Harvey and when you commit to something you never break your word. I think you'd make an amazing father"

He was sure he needed to come up with some half-arsed remark to divert from the moment but he couldn't. No one had every said that to him before and for it to be her meant more than to dismiss it with a pithy remark.

He didn't need to say anything, the emotion portrayed on his face said it all, he really had come such a long way and yet that vulnerable little boy that needed love and security was never far below the surface.

"Maybe in some ways doing it that way is the better option" he continued after a while. "I mean you can't fuck the kid up by cheating, you can't make him lie to the other person. Maybe it's better that way"

"Harvey, there are plenty of other ways to fuck up a child and just because you're not in a relationship with the parent doesn't mean there isn't a partner there. It's about the decisions you make at the time. To be honest I feel like I'm talking myself out of the whole idea, I've got enough children to take care of at the firm"

He chuckled but shook his head. "No Donna, I said it yesterday and I meant it, you'd be an amazing Mom, you're different, you'd never put yourself first." He added.

"You're taking all this a lot better than I imagined you would. I'm sorry I doubted telling you"

"Donna I've given you every reason to think I'd react badly to this and I'd be lying if I said it didn't scare me and that I don't have feelings about all this that I'm going to have to wrestle with but I'm trying to be the friend you deserve"

"You can tell me"

"This isn't about me Donna"

"No but Harvey you're a part of my life, what you think and feel matters to me and I know you're scared this would change things at work but I am sure that whatever I decide I'm not leaving a job that I love but if there's more than that then maybe I can explain or help"

"Donna I don't know if that's a good idea, I mean mostly I worry about you leaving, you know that and I mean the rest of it I just I need to deal with that myself, laying that on you isn't going to change it."

"But Harvey it might. You have a tendency to think the worst in every possible emotional situation and if there are questions you have or things you keep to yourself and some point that is going to come out in the wrong way if you don't deal with it."

"I'm not saying you're wrong Donna but you may not be the best person to hear it given how you feel about things"

"How I…what are you…?"

She'd been surprised by his actions many times in the last two days, she'd underestimated him and she'd at times felt she'd read him wrong. She needed this to be one of those times because anything else did not make sense. She reasoned it could be like it was with Louis, concern that he she wouldn't have time for him but that didn't fit what he was saying; he'd said she'd put the child first and that obviously meant he would no longer be her priority. But that was work and he knew where she stood on that front, Jesus the world knew where she stood on that front. 'Harvey is the firm'. He was implying that this was about 'them'. That was the only logical thing to think but everything he'd ever said and done contradicted that conclusion. And then it hit her, 'it bothers me…but that doesn't mean.' Not about this, he couldn't do that to her about this. And there and then she decided not to do what she always did and lay it out for him because if she was right about this then he hadn't changed at all.

Something had changed in her demeanour. Where before they had been natural and relaxed with each other despite the difficult nature of their conversations, now she had visibly hardened and backed away. He'd fucked up. He wasn't sure if it was because he'd tried to hide his feelings or because she'd worked out what they were. Either way this was fight or flight and history was not on his side.

"Donna" he spoke her name cautiously.

"Now Harvey, I need you to explain what you mean"

Her tone brooked no refusal he would have to lay his cards on the table one way or the other.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

"Ok cards on the table, you said earlier that you didn't have anyone you trusted enough in your life to make that sort of commitment with and it stung Donna. I know I have a million issues so I guess it shouldn't bother me that you feel that way but it does. You accused me once of being jealous of Louis because you worked for him, Stephen accused me of being jealous of your relationship and Paula, she saw it too but I didn't; instead I acted out to prove them all wrong. So look, I heard you when you said you didn't feel anything and I respect that but to literally be dismissed as an option, when you asked me if I'd ever considered having a child with Paula-and I haven't- but that doesn't mean I hadn't thought about what it would be like with anyone else…you're the only person I've ever thought of and maybe I should apologise for that but I'm not sure I'm sorry and this is why I didn't want to do this with you but you once told me I'm afraid to risk anything and I wasn't afraid to risk _anything_ but yeah I was afraid to risk losing what we had and dammit I still am but if I can't be honest with you then I suppose I don't deserve it anyway"

"Harvey what are you saying? We've been down that road too many times and you've never wanted…and now just because I'm looking elsewhere you can't just say these things and open this up again, you wanted things back to normal, you wanted this. I never meant I don't trust you, Harvey I trust you with my life, I said I don't have anyone in my life that would want this that I trusted, can you honestly tell me you do because I don't think you understand what it would do to me if you said yes and took it back"

"Donna if you're asking me right now do I want a child, I can't say yes to that, but you said yourself you don't even know if it's what you want. That cuts both ways, if I said yes and you decided not to go through with it. But if you're asking me how I feel about you then that I can answer now. I can tell you that if I did want a family, that I would want it with you because you're the most amazing woman I've ever known, you're literally the women of my dreams, for such a long time now you have been, and I've been closed to what that means but however you feel now I want you to know that I love you, because the last time I had the chance to say it I screwed up and I damaged us, so now I'm not gonna do that anymore. And I can tell you that if I missed my chance and you really feel nothing for me then if you did decide you wanted a child and didn't want to do it anonymously then you do have a friend who would be willing to do it for you because you have sacrificed more for him than he is ever going to be able to repay and I just want you to know that. Whatever you want Donna, but whatever call you make I'm not taking it back and I'm not running away again"

Who was this assertive, confident articulate and emotional man? It crossed her mind fleetingly that maybe he'd been cloned or that she'd stepped into a mirror universe except not in the evil Terran Empire kind of way. She really knew more star trek than was good for anyone. Her random thought allowed a brief respite from the palpitations in her heart because she had no idea how to process this or where it had come from. It was beautiful and it was terrifying. Her eyes filled with tears which by some heavenly miracle she managed to contain. She kept opening her mouth to speak but changing her mind. "What am I supposed to say to that?" She asked honestly.

"You don't need to say anything but Donna I need you in my life so whatever happens I just don't want things to be awkward again."

She just shook her head and pulled him to her gripping him tightly.

"We're ok?"

"Just give me a minute" she asked.

He just nodded his head into the crook of her neck, relieved that it was out there, grateful she was still there and drained from his own declarations.

She sniffed to fight back the ever threatening moisture trying to spill from her eyes and sat back to look at him. Staring across at him with a look of thoughtful perplexion she ran her fingers through his hair and smiled lovingly at him. "They are the most beautiful words anyone has every said to me, so we're more than ok. After Stu offered me the job", he cringed at the memory, "I went to see Paula. What you did hurt me and I knew I deserved your anger but I felt so betrayed." She knew this would hurt him and his demeanour indicated she was more than correct, this was to be his answer. At this point the tears came and she faltered slightly. They had moved on but they had never really dealt with this after he tore up her letter. "I'd apologised to you, but I hadn't shown enough respect for what you two had and I wanted to tell her I was sorry. She was willing to accept my apology but with one condition" he understandably looked shocked at this revelation. "She asked me to promise nothing would ever happen between us again and I should have been able to look her in the eye and make that promise. I was angry, I was hurt, I was about to lose everything and I could't do it. And that's when I knew she was right, what I felt for you wasn't platonic and if I stayed I was going to have to watch you and her together and I couldn't do it to myself. I was wrong when I said it didn't mean anything, I wasn't lying to you, not really I had been lying to myself when I said it was just a kiss. When the doctor asked if I had anybody in mind to be the father, you were all I could think of. When I said there wasn't anybody I would want to do this with I was lying, I'm sorry" she looked into his eyes affirming her regret and sincerity.

He felt a hope spring and gather momentum as she spoke of her meeting with Paula. As she recounted her pain at his actions he wished to God he could take that back and as she spoke of her consideration of him as a potential father to her child he felt joy. It was not a sensation he was over familiar with but it was unmistakable all the same.

"So, are you saying?"

"I did feel something when I kissed you yes, I mean I'm human too" she smiled suggestively.

"Ok you wanna maybe expand on what exactly you felt"

"I could, but I have another suggestion"

"I am open to negotiation" he grinned at the woman in front of him, his breathing starting to become heavier.

"So maybe we could repeat the experiment and see how we both feel in this moment"

"I can live with that compromise" he said as he leaned in to her.


End file.
